This Week in Janice

28 Mar

Here are some emails from my 58-year-old mother, Janice. I should probably mention that due to circumstances beyond her control, she is heavily medicated at all times.

Janice in 1968

———

E-mail 1) Background: I lived in a Chicago suburb called Wilmette until I was eight. Then we moved.

Subj: local news for U

Double murder/ suicide in Wilmette this morning. (And you wonder why I wanted to move when you were in third grade). Ask your pals if I made the right decision in retrospect. Love You, Take care, MOM

——–

Background: I needed to talk to people for an article but they weren’t calling me back. Here is my mom’s attempt at helping:

Subj: still need interviews?
Had a thought. Richard Marx is big time music name and his 3 sons are all at your old high school. Bet he would let you interview him if he knew you were a local kid.

Also, what about Mr. Faullty Towers- he of the great commercials, of late–or, for a severe long shot- Bill Murray- but I think he NEVER does interviews–Wilmette boy and Loyola Academy grad. Harold Ramis and family were around here somewhere. (Then you would have all of “Ghostbusters”???)

And there are lots of Pivens and Cusacks. I think the  Cusack Sister and family are now in (nearby town). There is also a woman from “Housewives of the O.C.” who now lives near me. See, you have connections with more celebs than you thought. Are some of these suggestions too old??  Do you want me to ask around and find out what Sports stars are currently living here?

Take care, Love, MOM
My response: Thanks, mom. That’s really sweet of you, but none of these people have anything to do with what I’m writing about.

Janice’s response: But if you talked to Bill Murray, do you think anyone would notice? No-HE is bill Murray!

———
Background: Teddy is my mom’s dog

Subj: naming my opossum
Okay, so Teddy just did a 60 second staring contest with the ‘possum that I suspect lives under my gazebo. Possums are so dumb! It finally lumbered off in it’s uncoordinated fashion. Poor dumb “dinosaur” that it is. So I need a gender neutral name for this thing, who will always live in my backyard cause of the birdseed-even peanuts-that I put out. Also need name for the Racoon. Polly Possum? Racy Racoon? Surely we can do better than that. Bet they are both females and I will have dumb babies in the spring. Haven’t seen a deer since the snow melted a few days ago. Also have a Red squirrel, a Black squirrel, and at least 4 grey squirrels that exercise Tedster every day for me. One of the greys is already nicknamed “Stubby” since half his tail is missing. Still no sign of the “feral cats”-they might not like dogs??? Take care, have you tried on that new dress yet?
——–

Background: I complained that Neil Young’s new song was bad.

Subj: Neil Young
Nobody criticizes Neil Young because he has two sons older than you and they are both physically/mentally impaired.(Autism??) Now go look up the details- this is from years of reading trashy magazines. Do not rely on my memory.People probably ran an article on Neil and his kidsand that he also likes trains-model trains.(People Mag-what? 10 years ago?) One of the kids may even have passed away, but that could be wrong. HOW Insensitive of you!!!!!  Love you, Take care, MOM
———

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11 Responses to “This Week in Janice”

  1. Molly March 28, 2009 at 11:09 pm #

    Stunned. I am stunned. Your mother is my new favorite writer EVER. Please get her to blog for us PLEASE.

    Also, am jamming to Richard Marx right now. I can play this on the piano for you if you need me to.

  2. Claire March 29, 2009 at 12:18 am #

    She is an amazing woman. It’s true.

    Also, I would like to point out that “Polly” is not a gender neutral name.

  3. Molly March 29, 2009 at 6:30 am #

    dumb babies. lol.

  4. Marc March 30, 2009 at 4:44 am #

    You know, she has a point about Bill Murray. You could interview him about the strategy in Afghanistan and he’d probably have something interesting to say.

  5. Drewpreme March 30, 2009 at 3:45 pm #

    I wanna read Claire’s mom’s Top 25 Random Things….

  6. Claire March 30, 2009 at 5:04 pm #

    oooooh. I wonder if I can convince her to do that….

  7. Alyssa March 30, 2009 at 5:17 pm #

    Holy crap. I think this might be my new favorite part of the blog. Your mother is ridic, Claire.

  8. Daniel Luzer March 30, 2009 at 6:03 pm #

    Um, this is a little Edie Beale-ish.

  9. Drewpreme March 30, 2009 at 7:58 pm #

    LOL… Also speaking of The Cusacks. I met John at Mr. Chow’s a few years back. I accidentally called him “Lane Meyers”, and realized it as I said it. Catching this gaffe lead to hilarity between the two of us, and extolled the virtues of “Better Off Dead”. Cool dude that John Cusack.

  10. Kate March 30, 2009 at 10:12 pm #

    Please find out if your mom has a spare room because I now want to move in with her.

    Also if she does not appear continuously on this blog I will boycott it and your blog views will be cut in HALF. That’s right, HALF.

  11. Cara April 3, 2009 at 8:50 pm #

    Re: Drewpreme’s comment (yes, I know there is some “hip” internet lingo-ish way to address comments to other comments, but I don’t care). So – that comment about John Cusack simply confirms that most women watching his movies in the 80s and 90s are correct in having huge enormous crushes on him. I am included in that group since I was a 5 year old obsessed with Say Anything and Better off Dead…

    This article (http://www.cbc.ca/arts/film/cusack.html) discusses it, as well, although I hated the movie Must Love Dogs. I love both John Cusack AND dogs, and I still hated that movie…

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