Fridays with Evan

27 Mar

We promised you Evan (who writes about science and therefore knows everything) and, not by our own accomplishment but rather by his vast benevolence, he has arrived. He will now answer the herculean questions that Life thrusts upon our stubborn curiosity.

Molly: Why are Human Resources people so perky?

Evan: My dad is/was a Human Resources person. I resent what you are implying.

Claire: How do they decaffeinate coffee? More importantly, WHY do they decaffeinate coffee?

Evan: The first decaffeination process was developed by Ludwig Roselius, who was determined—in an Inigo Montoya fashion—to avenge his father’s death, which he attributed to his coffee consumption habits. Of course, Roselius’s method involved soaking coffee beans in highly toxic and carcinogenic benzene, plus he was a Nazi. So we don’t use the Roselius method anymore.
And to answer the second question, we decaffeinate coffee because we are imperfect people. Some of us are not strong enough to bear the responsibility and power that comes with the ingestion of caffeine.

Molly: Sometimes, I feel a vibration inside my foot and it’s not my cell phone. Any ideas?

Evan: The fact that you would consider a cell phone to be a potential source of a vibration in your foot suggests a deeper question: what kind of footwear are you using that could accommodate such a device? My Roos have space for less than a dollar’s worth of change (each).
My guess is that you are accidentally wearing some kind of novelty slipper in the shape of a baby seal, or somehow have embedded a piece of ferrous metal into your foot, which is now reacting to the Earth’s magnetic fields.

Claire: Is everyone in Iceland as weird as Bjork?

Evan: No. Icelandic people exhibit the same range of weirdness as any other national group.

Molly: Why do people use “unisex” to mean both sexes, when “unibrow” means one long eyebrow. Shouldn’t bathrooms for both girls and boys be “bisexual?” Are they afraid of what might happen inside if they label it that?

Evan: I think there may be a middle-ground explanation here: a unibrow is one long eyebrow, as you say, but the key component is its continuity. It bridges the divide that normally separates the two distinct eyebrows, obliterating their distinctiveness in the process. The unisex bathroom (or haircut) similarly negates the distinction between the two sexes.
Frankly, I’m in favor of TRISEXUAL bathrooms. Only David Bowie may use them.

Claire: What was the last movie you saw that made you cry?

Evan: V for Vendetta, which I saw recently again to compare with Watchmen. Unlike the latter, there are actual emotions used in the creation (and appreciation) of the film. There’s a scene where V basically murders an old woman, but before she dies, she genuinely apologizes for her role in the genocide at the core of the plot. And despite being on…a vendetta…against all of the people responsible, V graciously accepts the apology (she still gets murdered though). Like the vast majority of the people on this planet, I haven’t seen The Reader. But I imagine there’s that type of sh*t in there, but with fewer explosions and knife fights.

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6 Responses to “Fridays with Evan”

  1. Claire March 27, 2009 at 7:11 pm #

    the Roos pocket isn’t for money, Evan. It is for drugs.

  2. mazall March 27, 2009 at 7:15 pm #

    may i leave a question for next friday’s “fridays with evan” in the comments?

  3. Molly March 27, 2009 at 7:16 pm #

    Yes you may but we cannot guarantee that Evan will answer it.

  4. Kate March 30, 2009 at 10:02 pm #

    Can I ask myself questions and then respond to me and then comment on my responses?

  5. Molly March 30, 2009 at 10:03 pm #

    No, you may not.

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  1. Antelope v. Reindeer « Claire & Molly’s World Wide Weblog - July 8, 2011

    […] With Evan noun, slang. Fridays With Evan is the title of a blog series that began on March 27, 2009.  The series was an attempt by bloggers Molly and Claire to add intellectual credibility to an […]

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