What the F is wrong with Ingrid Newkirk

25 Mar

So PETA’s president/co-founder/dried up old—you know, I shouldn’t finish that thought— has posted her will on the Internet, in all its mentally unhinged, pink background glory. Note the photograph. Ms. Newkirk looks sort of like Ellen Degeneres, sort of like Stuart Smalley and sort of like that mannish woman who is in all those Christopher Guest movies.

Here are some gems from the will:

1. The “meat” of my body, or a portion thereof, be used for a human barbecue, to remind the world that the meat of a corpse is all flesh.

2. That in remembrance of the elephant-foot umbrella stands and tiger rugs I saw, as a child, offered for sale by merchants at Connaught Place in Delhi, my feet be removed and umbrella stands or other ornamentation be made from them

3. That one of my eyes be removed, mounted, and delivered to the administrator of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency as a reminder that PETA will continue to be watching the agency

4. That my pointing finger be delivered to Kenneth Feld, owner of Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus

5. That one of my ears be removed, mounted, and sent to the Canadian Parliament to assist them in hearing, for the first time perhaps, the screams of the seals (Claire’s note: This probably will not work)

This woman is a genius. Not only can she wear a blood-soaked fur coat with panache, but she actually thought to demand that her feet be made into umbrella stands. I wish I had thought of that! But now she’s gone and done it first and if I do it I’ll just look like a copycat. This is just like that time Bjork wore that weird swan dress and I had to come up with an entirely new outfit for my job interview.

Unfortunately, Ingrid Newkirk overlooks one small fact: a human foot wouldn’t make a very big umbrella stand. Unless you have one of those retractable umbrellas, it probably won’t stand up in a hollowed-out foot. That’s why elephants are better. Sometimes, murdering animals makes sense.

I want a hamburger.

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7 Responses to “What the F is wrong with Ingrid Newkirk”

  1. Molly March 25, 2009 at 4:28 am #

    Ugh. So many complaints, so little time before bed. Mainly, though, shouldn’t PETA be watching with one dead eyeball over organizations other than the EPA. I feel like, in PETA’s sole eye, they probably aren’t as bad as Vogue or the NRA or Burlington Coat Factory.

    Also, everything tastes better with BBQ so that might not work.

  2. Marc March 25, 2009 at 4:39 am #

    #5 is silly. Baby seals don’t scream when you club them from behind.

  3. Drewpreme March 25, 2009 at 1:27 pm #

    PETA – the same organization that said they should euthanize all of Mike Vick’s dogs. The same dogs that thanks to sanctuaries and canine foster care were able to rehabilitate all but four. Way to step up for the animals!

    Easily the most hypocritical organization in the world. You can keep your body parts lady.

    Side note – Jane Lynch has a “je ne sais quoi” about her. Maybe its her cougar like approach in “40 Year Old Virgin”.

    (probably shouldn’t have hit send with that comment there)

  4. Claire March 25, 2009 at 6:48 pm #

    hahaaa Marc, I love you. Although I’m still going to dedicate my life to making you miserable.

  5. Daniel March 27, 2009 at 11:10 pm #

    >my feet be removed and umbrella stands or other ornamentation be made from them

    There are some NRA members that would pay TOP dollar for this.

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