Claire v. Marc: Lady Gaga is hot v. Lady Gaga is not hot

I'd hit that...but she'd probably hit me back.

Claire: Lady Gaga is hot

Marc: Lady Gaga is NOT hot.

Claire: I challenge you to a blog duel

Marc: I accept, you harlot.

A Very Thanksgiving Either/Or

Marc treats historical artifacts with respect

Greetings from La Guardia airport! Your highly esteemed (ok, ridiculed) co-blogger is sitting on the floor with her dog and her laptop, bored and cranky because her flight has been delayed two hours due to, get this, the anticipation of rain. Not even real rain. What the hell is that? The airlines aren’t even trying anymore.

I just watched a small child drop a piece of cheese on the airport floor, pick it up and then feed it to her father. Ew.

In honor of this ridiculous travel holiday and the highly caloric meal that follows it, Marc has agreed to do a Thanksgiving-themed Either/Or. I provide the subjects, he makes hasty and uninformed opinions. Everybody wins. Well, except the Indians.

All by myself (don’t wanna be)

Molly is birthday-ing in Georgia, which leaves me to man the blog all by myself for an entire week.  What should I write about?

Here are some options:

'Willis' my ass

1. Why Bruno wasn’t funny
2. I could have sworn Walter Cronkite was already dead
3. Central Park exercise etiquette, or: why weekend cyclists are total dickslaps
4. If my 3-day-old Chinese food is still edible
5. If I should be amused or horrified by the fact that astronauts left discarded food containers on the moon.
6. The startling accuracy of the tagline to Lindsay Lohan’s made-of-TV movie, Labor Pains
7. Why I’m pretty sure that this is Marc’s fault
8. I keep wanting to write about polio so that I can tag every post “polio” and make this the most popular polio-related blog on the Internet, but Molly won’t let me
9. The Willis Tower
10. My dog runs away from her own poop

Friendship with Claire and Marc

Wherein Marc and I discuss our friendship, all of the women he has banged, and what we are going to do on our IMPENDING VACATION TOGETHER (along with like, 5 other people).

bored by life and each other

Marc: I can’t believe you don’t remember bonding over DMB!
Claire: i have zero memory of that
Claire: also i am at a loss as to how we became friends. heh.
Marc: I’m retracting my previous email
you’re back to the bottom of the list
Claire: which is is not a bad thing. that’s the best friendships, where you’re like “annd….then 5 years happened”
Marc: “there was a summer, and then we bought pants. and he slept in the hallway of my dorm.”

Either/Or With Marc pt. IV

Marc sent me a package in the mail yesterday and for once it wasn’t covered in his own urine. So I’ll be listening to his 2-CD set of jazz classics (which he kindly titled “The Education of a Fool”) and I’ll let you know what I think. Until then, Marc is going to tell you what HE thinks. That’s right. It’s time for this week’s Either/Or with Marc.

that poor child has Marc as his uncle

The name Marc vs. the name Mark

First of all, I’m quite clearly better than anyone with the name Mark. With that said, my parents really dropped the ball on this one. After naming my brother Erik, not Eric, they decided to keep the trend alive with me. Or, my mom’s side is French. You pick. Sure, it can be nice to be different and have an uncommon name. It can also be nice to not have your name misspelled your whole life. And that’s not even your fault, it’s mine for having a ‘c’ instead of a ‘k’. Marc hasn’t stopped anyone from calling me Marky Mark for 20 years and it did cause my 3rd grade teacher to call me a liar when I said my name wasn’t actually Marcus. Give me that special K.
Claire’s note: This is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. I mean, after Darfur.

Either/Or with Marc…third installment

Marky Marc

Marc is Claire’s friend (as he so annoyingly reminds us below.  barf) but I have taken over the question-asking this weekend, as Claire is too busy eating Mexican pork with her father.  Here goes…

Detroit or Wall Street?

Marc: Detroit isn’t much more than riots, poverty, cars and bad professional sports. Wall Street is known for money and greed, and plenty of both. Both of these entities share responsibility for the disposing of our economy, quite nicely I might add. Wall Street did it in such a slick, Gordon Gecko sort of way that you almost have to admire their complete lack of morals and utter sleaziness. Detroit on the other hand, well, it’s hard to admire a city that burns itself down every six months. Motor City loses, like it always does.

Canada vs. Mexico

Either/Or With Marc

Marc has opinions. These opinions are frequently wrong. Here are some of them.

Marc reads books

Note: Claire and Molly will not be held accountable for anything he says. Unless it’s funny or insightful, in which case we thought of it first.

Fat people vs. Gays
Well the obvious answer here is a very gay, very fat man. Foregoing that option though, the answer is clearly Gays. If we’re going by stereotypes, which we obviously are, both of these groups are exceedingly jolly, often do well with beards and are typically found as the hilarious friend of a television or movie character. Celebrities include, but are not limited to, Homer Simpson, Doogie Howser, Dom DeLouise, John Waters, Santa Claus, Ellen DeGeneres, Notorious B.I.G. and Rosie O’Donnell, who bats for both teams. Gays come out on top though due to their delightful wit and generally immaculate fashion sense. The potential for slovenly behavior and 400 pound frequenters of Long John Silver’s does not bode well for Team Fatso.

Never being able to say how you feel to the person you love vs. telling them, being rejected, and dying alone
This is basically dying on the inside vs. dying on the outside. I’d rather die on the outside and score pity points from many people, not to mention the opportunity to harbor a good grudge, which is always fun. The latter is the correct choice. Besides, if this person doesn’t like me, how good could they possibly me? I’m better off without that loser.

Friendship With Claire & Marc

Excerpts from recent gchat conversations.

Marc & Claire

Marc: i hate you

Marc: I want to go golfing

me: …….

Marc: i don’t golf, but that’s what people do apparently

me: i will fake golf with you

Marc: yay!

I need to but some ridiculous golfing clothes

me: i want one of those hats with a tassle

Marc: like a shriner?

me: no

like the beret with the little ball on top

Marc: ohh

a hat like that would go great with some knickerbockers

and an argyle sweater

me: oh man, this is going to be amazing

also we should go mini-golfing in weird outfits too

Marc: and we should use golf carts

me: yessssssssssssss

can we play croquet?

Marc: YES

Either/Or with Marc

Meet Marc. Marc has been one of my best friends since sophomore year of college when I discovered that he could play Ben Folds songs on the piano. I’m not sure what to say about our friendship except that it is based on mutual animosity and the knowledge that neither one of us ever wants to talk about serious issues ever. “I’m dying of cancer,” one of us will write in an email. The other one will reply with link to a YouTube video of a man getting hit in the nuts.

Marc has a lot of opinions, but they’re almost always wrong. For example, he loves the St. Louis Cardinals and hates the Cubs. I don’t even know how this is possible because he a) is from Illinois b) supports all other Chicago teams c) is an otherwise upstanding citizen. I understand when people from other states support their local teams; they were born in the wrong city and just don’t know any better. But Marc has no excuse. It’s wrong. It’s so wrong. It’s like stealing from a church donation bin or sleeping with a cousin or subscribing to Newsweek. Marc is probably the most sports-obsessed person I know, so I have a hard time arguing with him about his bad life decision. He knows more than me (like the names of the players…and what’s happening during the game) and there’s very little I can do to win the argument. Instead I rely on name-calling and insults. But even if Marc wins the arguments, I know I’m right. I mean, I can’t explain the scientific reasons why smoking crack is bad, I just know that it is. Oh man, Marc sucks.

Yet despite his obvious failure, he and I have remained good friends. I thought it would be fun to put Marc’s opinionated nature to the test. So I gave him a list of categories, and he had to pick which topic was better. Here is what Marc thinks about….

Sports v. Music