What do you mean I am the one?

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By Dan Luzer, not us. We are getting really good at this.

From the high reaches of serious journalism (People Magazine) comes this latest, groundbreaking headline:

“Michael Jackson’s Dermatologist: ‘I Am Not the Father’”

Jackson’s dermatologist (what a project that must have been) is Dr. Arnold Klein. Klein is a professor at UCLA medical school and the owner of what looks like a very lucrative private practice. Klein is apparently “alleged to be” (love the anonymous sources, People) both 1) the father of Michael Jackson’s children and 2) the supplier of all sorts of prescriptions Jackson abused. Klein protests that he’s innocent, though his rationalization falls somewhat short of convincing:

Every Now and Then with Evan

Evan got hot nuts in the South.

So, sometimes Claire and I have to work on things besides this blog. I know. Which is why we take certain liberties when it comes to our “content”: farming it out to friends, making it up or, mainly, just cutting and pasting it from Gchat.

BUT EVAN HAS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT ANSWERING OUR FRIDAY QUESTIONS!!! My tv shows (PLURAL!) happen daily, Claire’s magazine is weekly. Evan? His publication comes out once a month, if even. Plus, he only has to cover one subject–Science! That’s like, the easiest one of all. The Earth is getting hot, Pluto’s not a planet, Stephen Hawkings is smart cause he talks in a robot voice. Done and done. And yet, Friday after Friday, Evan lets us down by ignoring our questions and breaking the hearts of tens of twenties of our weblog readers. To add insult to injury, he casually informed us that the latest questions were “lame”.

Now, in retrospect they were. Especially Claire’s (after all, when I promised Evan better questions this week she was suspiciously silent). Let’s take a look at what she asked a few weeks ago…

Either/Or with Marc…third installment

Marky Marc

Marc is Claire’s friend (as he so annoyingly reminds us below.  barf) but I have taken over the question-asking this weekend, as Claire is too busy eating Mexican pork with her father.  Here goes…

Detroit or Wall Street?

Marc: Detroit isn’t much more than riots, poverty, cars and bad professional sports. Wall Street is known for money and greed, and plenty of both. Both of these entities share responsibility for the disposing of our economy, quite nicely I might add. Wall Street did it in such a slick, Gordon Gecko sort of way that you almost have to admire their complete lack of morals and utter sleaziness. Detroit on the other hand, well, it’s hard to admire a city that burns itself down every six months. Motor City loses, like it always does.

Canada vs. Mexico

No big deal, but I’m taking Steroids

Not me. Tear.

I don’t understand all this hoopla about steroids. I’ve been taking gym candy since Monday, following a freak allergic reaction, and I must say, I’m a little disappointed. They don’t have skulls and crossbones on them. They taste bad. They were surprisingly cheap. And my fantasy baseball team’s performance has actually declined since I started doping (sorry, Marc). I even pop them in public hoping a SEC official will try to subpoena me ( “I’m sorry sir, but these were prescribed by an overnight medical intern at St. Luke’s Hospital in Harlem and they are totally legit. I even used my Duane Reade Rewards Card when purchasing them”), but they kinda look like Claritin and nobody cares.

Once again, Fridays with Evan

When Claire and I try to answer our own questions, this is what happens:

Molly: also i burned my hand on potato leek soup
Claire: ….did you stick your hand in the soup?
Molly: no it fell out of the ladle onto my hand
Claire: dang!
Molly: it burns
Claire: that’s hot soup
Molly: it was REALLY hot, and it just sat there, eating my flesh.
ironic, since i was going to eat it
Claire: you injure yourself a lot with various food/drink mishaps
Molly: i know. do burns cause wrinkles?
Claire: i don’t think so
Molly: also, potatoes should never be heated this hot
Claire: although it dries out your skin
why was the soup so hot?
Molly: another good questions
Claire: wait….in my mind, you were heating up the soup
Molly: also, i had to do this quick nasty move where i just smeared the soup all over my hand and arms to make it less hot because there were no napkins.
no, this was out of a pot
Claire: did you not heat up the soup? did it come that hot?
Molly: with a ladle
Claire: oooh
Molly: in the cafeteria
subsidized soup
i should sue
Claire: you should!

Yep. Point is, it’s a good thing Evan came back because, obviously, our questions aren’t going to answer themselves. Evan explains why Claire is white and why beer helmets are healthy, post-jump.

Why does my roommate watch such bad TV? I dunno. Let’s ask her.

Joining us today is my partner in all things domestic, Mazall. I love her, without knowing how, or when, or from where. But if I were to file a environmental hostility suit against her in a court of law, Exhibit A would be a simple log of her recently viewed TV shows and movies. This girl is ridic. Never in my life have I lived in such close proximity to multimedia madness. Intervention. Howard’s End. Bleakhouse. Aristocrats (NOT the funny joke one, the Masterpiece Theatre one). True story: 30 minutes into this year’s Superbowl, I rushed home only to find Mazall surrounded by candles in our dark living room watching Barry Lyndon. I shouldn’t even give her a chance to explain, but I’ve worked in media long enough to know that crazy sells. Mazall’s interview, after the jump…