these people probably touched

Mom: Are you listening to Otis Redding?
Me: Yep!
Mom: He’s boring. You know he was considered frat boy music when I was in school. Boys would put his music on at parties because it gave them an excuse to squeeze a girl tightly when they danced.

Mom: I was more into Jimi Hendrix when I was young. I was a hippie, when we danced we raised our hands to the sky and just sort of wiggled around. There was no touching involved.
Me: What about free love? That involved touching.
Mom: That was just in California. In the South, all the hippies were still virgins.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26

9 am. Harlem.

Getting ready for work. Hurricane coverage is the only thing discussed on the news this morning. Is Libya fixed?

9:13 am

Reporters suggest boarding up apartment windows and contemplate the possibility that New York City’s sewage system will be compromised.

10:05 am. Midtown

Two men in the office elevator discuss whether they should stay in their Manhattan apartments or flee to their second homes in Connecticut. “I’ll be braving it out in Westchester,” says their female companion, “I’m dreading the yardwork.”

11:30 am

We have all the TVs on in the newsroom. CNN anchors explain Irene’s “cone of uncertainty” as co-workers discuss whether or not to remove A/C window units. I am writing an article about a man who plays the ukulele.

2 pm

Parts of the city are being evacuated.

2:45 pm

People are told to leave Coney Island. Let’s be honest, that should probably happen anyway.

3:30 pm

Should I buy batteries?

3:49 pm

The drug store is out of batteries, flashlights and toilet paper.  Maybe that’s what will ruin the sewage system—the panicked use of too many toilet paper squares.

4:15 pm

Me: I bought a sponge!
Josh: How is that going to help you in a hurricane?
Me: I don’t know. It looked useful.

5:15 pm. Greenwich Village

Mazall reports the following conversation overheard on the street:

Guy: We need crackers. Wheat Thins.

Girl: I’m going to be so fat by the time this hurricane is over.

6:37 pm. Harlem.

Left work early to prepare for impending doom. The check-out line at the grocery is wrapped around the store. The elderly man in front of me is purchasing a grocery cart full of water. The twentysomething girl behind me is buying pita bread and brie.

6:35 pm

The first tragedy has occurred. Josh came over but he forgot to bring The Wire on DVD.

7:15 pm

My mom calls. She wants to me to sleep in the bathtub.

9:15 pm

The Deer Hunter is a really good movie.

9:46 pm

The dog rolls over in her sleep. Is this strange animal pre-disaster behavior?

10:30 pm

A third slice of pizza isn’t gluttonous. It’s advanced preparedness.

Midnight

The Weather Channel says to expect 90 mph winds, flying debris and blown out windows. I go to bed and dream that it’s flooding.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 27

9 am. Harlem.

Josh has to leave before the subways are shut down. I try to convince him to stay with me but he’s determined to be swept off to sea in Brooklyn.

10:30 am

It’s raining and I’m all alone! I’m going to die!

11:15 am

I take the dog outside to go to the bathroom. She runs around in circles and hides under a lamppost.

Noon

Dad calls. “Have you filled up your bathtub with water?” No, dad.

1 pm

I should do laundry. I may have to live in a FEMA trailer for a year but at least my sheets will be clean.

2 pm

Second attempt to get dog to go to the bathroom ends in failure. Instead, she chases after a leaf and eats a discarded chicken wing.

2:15 pm

Mom calls. “Are you hiding in the bathtub yet?” No, mom.

2:45 pm

Clean bathroom. Not to hide in it, just cause it was dirty.

3:30 pm

Make a casserole in case the power goes out.

3:45 pm

Eat the casserole.

4:15 pm

Television news reports says Irene will hit the city in the middle of the night. Evacuation is in full effect and large parts of Manhattan may be without power. I should expect to be unable to go outside tomorrow.

6 pm

CBS has put Molly up in a hotel room.

Molly: Here’s the number for the hotel. If it gets really bad, call me and I’ll come get you in the company SUV.

Me: You mean rowboat?

6:35 pm

Mom calls. “What’s that noise? Is that a siren?”  No, mom. It’s the kettle. I’m making tea.

7:15 pm

Wine.

8 pm.

More wine.

9:15 pm

Mom calls again but I don’t get to the phone in time. I call her right back. “Oh, thank god!” she says, “When you didn’t answer I thought you might be in trouble.”

9:35 pm

Text Josh. He is playing video games.

10 pm

It’s raining harder and the wind has picked up. I take the dog outside again. She glares at me and runs back inside the apartment.

Midnight

I should go to bed. The storm will probably wake me up in the middle of the night and then I’ll be too scared to go back to sleep.

12:15 am

Too worried. Can’t sleep.

12:17 am

Can’t sleep

12:19 am

Can’t sleep

12:22 am

Can’t sle….zzzz…..

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28

 9 am. Harlem.

Phone is ringing.

Me: Hello?
Mom: I just thought of something.
Me: …sleeeeepy…..
Mom: You should put on all of your expensive jewelry so that if you have to evacuate you won’t lose it
Me: what time is it?
Mom: Unless you think it will hurt you if you have to hide under something
Me: (looks out window). Oh. It’s raining normally.
Mom: Are you listening to me?
Me: What?
Mom: Do you know where your jewelry is?
Me: Yes. I have two tennis bracelets and a pair of earrings, that’s it
Mom: Put them on!
Me: I need coffee.

9:15 am.

Apparently I slept through the hurricane.

From: Janice

Date: Thu, Aug 18, 2011 at 5:23 PM

Subj: (no subject)

I can text??? Tclove mom

this is janice

From: Claire

Date: Thu, Aug 18, 2011 at 5:26 PM

Subj: (no subject)

No, but you can email.

the market doesn't feel well

Subj: stock market has “Tha Vapors”

Oh, I had a day like this in college—having the Vapors, I dropped like a stone and was unconscious, just like the Market today. In my case, it was internal bleeding, and the case could be made that that is what is wrong with us today—internal bleeding for the US Economy.

‘Cept the Market, unlike moi, is populated by a bunch of “Multinationals,” so I am gonna agree with Rick Santelli, who I just heard on the radio. You know, the youngish Chicago trader who threw a hissy fit that got recorded and started the Tea Party Movement. (He’s Famous enough to get himself in Wikipeia. Atta boy, Chicago boy!!!)  Well, on the radio today he said “It is 2008 in Europe today.” Which I thought was really cute. Remember 2008 here, when we all thought the economic world as we knew it was going to end? Europe’s politicos just tried to bail out Greece with a paltry amount of cash, and the Market is afraid that it’s not gonna work. Especially  with Spain and Italy which are definitely “too big to fail.”  There just ain’t enuf Euros to bail those 2 out if they turn turtle too. So you can sleep well tonight. Like in 1914 and 1939, it’s not Our Fault, it’s just those darn Europeans…

Subj: movie review by Mom

Just watched the movie “Greenberg” starring Ben Stiller. Hated it, hated the self-absorbed yet unsuccessful neurotic title character. Was not “moved” by his “Predicament,” was only mved me to want to turn movie off 1/2 way thru. Actors were thrilled to do a “Character” piece—well, goody for them! And city of L.A. was an “actor” in the film—yeah, sure it was. Take care, Love, MOM

Subj: Story idea

Why don’t you write a 1 pager with photos about the Special Forces Dog that died on the Chinook helicopter that “crashed” in Afghanistan-someone else is probably doing a writeup about the men/women who dies without names/identities, but maybe military would release info on dog??? It would be a Dog Hero story-like Lassie/Rintintin. TCLove, MOM

Subj: Drinking Tips

Just read definitive article about VODKA. Article quotes a great “master Mixologist” who says that it is “the chicken breast of cocktails.”

Types of vodka to try:

Devotion Vodka: “contains a protein called casein, which contributes to a better “mouth feel.”  It is a fav of Jersey Shore guido Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino So NYC ought to have it around.

Or you should order Skyy:  it is sweet, citrusy, only a slight burn” The author liked it best.

Stoli: always a winner. Russian like it should be.

Do not order “Ketel One” or Dan Aykroyd’s “Crystal Head” (which just got Double Gold award in San Francisco). Also “Absolut” and “Grey Goose” are examples of super marketing. Swedish and French respectfully. Overly pricy.

As a flag waving American, order Smirnoff first because the vodka is distilled  here.

There are ” about 1,000 different brands of vodka in existence. A fancy bar may carry 13 or so, the article says.

In NYC, you probably can NOT get the artisan distilled “Koval”-it is from Andersonville/Ravenswood area of Chicago, made by a married couple, with kids, 400 cases a yr made.$39.00 price per bottle.

“Svedka” is super cheap at $16.00. Do not ask for it by name or you’ll look silly. It may be what you get in a no name bar that only has 1 vodka.

If you want to be really cool:
Order “The Moscow Mule” - mixed drink invented in L.A. in 1946: vodka, ginger beer and Lime.  Popular in the early 1950′s. I never heard of it, but Memphis was dry back then and the adults brown bagged Bourbon to restaurants. Jack Daniels was made just a day’s mule ride away in Tennessee. (This drink sounds gross. Maybe boytoy likes Ginger Beer?)

By the way, a martini should always be stirred- James Bond was an A**

Reason: It’s watery when shaken cause the ice melts (Mom says: Of course, the Brits used to not have ice. A Warm Martini-yum!!) And it should be made with Gin, not vodka (MOM: like it used to be when I was a kid. Gin was thought to help protect Brits from Malaria.)

This is all from Jason Wilson, the Wash. Post’s drinks writer, who prob. learned it from his Momma.

Why would you write "Moving Day" on a box?

Molly is moving out. She’s obtained access to a completely furnished luxury apartment on the Upper East Side and has decided to go live there for free. Personally, I don’t know why you’d want to live in a Park Avenue building with a doorman rent free when you can pay thousands of dollars a year to live in Harlem with two roommates and a dog, especially when said apartment sometimes doesn’t have any gas for months. To each her own, I guess.

This means that Mazall and I need to find a replacement roommate. But living with someone is a big decision. Are they friendly? Do they keep the apartment clean? Will they murder you in your sleep? Maz and I have been reaching out to friends and coworkers to see if they know anyone who needs a place to stay, but we may have to (gulp) seek a stranger on Craigslist. To facilitate the process, I have come up with a list of qualities that our new roommate should possess:

Clean

Friendly

Organized

Likes dogs

Is funny

Is pretty

But not so pretty that we feel ugly

Likes Anchorman

Owns Mad Men on DVD

Can teach me how to do the Single Ladies dance

Either has really nice furniture that’s better than ours so we can upgrade OR

Has no furniture so we don’t have to make room for anything tacky

Is currently or has been a professional chef

Also a make-up artist

And masseuse

Owns a yacht

Owns one of those miniature horses that are the size of dogs

(The miniature horse cannot be named Molly)

Belongs to a Wine of the Month club

Has a large wardrobe of stylish clothes that fit me (preferably designer)

Has free airline tickets to Paris and no one to use them

Is friends with Kanye

Optional:

Is of an interesting religion or ethnicity so that we can sound cool when we say things like “Oh, my roommate the Zoroastrian?”

Is Banksy

So, Facebook has this “feature” that, apparently, I’m the last to discover.  When you’re stalking someone on someone’s page, you can click a link and get taken to an e-summary of your relationship.  This summary is based solely on Facebook activity between the two of you.

According to Mr. Zuckerberg, Claire and I have been friends since August of 2007, although I didn’t like her until May 2008.  I know this because I still have the ballot from when we voted on it (inside joke!).

Regardless, you can tell a lot about us from this little page.  For instance, the first thing we did as friends was watch Clueless.  Then, Felicity.  Also, we are both mutual friends with a lot of cool people, like Joel Stein and Mâzâl Shamailov.

Anyway, Facebook says there are 84 photos of us, but I can only see 83*.  This seems like a low amount, since combined we’ve both posted about 2 billion.  However, like most scientific samples, this set is small but surprisingly accurate about who we are (retards with cameras), where we come from (apparently an ill-guarded mental institution) and wherein our passions lie (booze, costumes).

Out of 83 photos:

-28 involve a birthday party

-21 involve visible alcohol

-17 involve one or more costumes (usually more…)

-16 are actually normal

-12 involve some sort of fish-mouth or kissy-face

-11 would be normal photos, except I am making a face

-1 would be normal except I wield a knife

-3 would be normal except Claire is making a face

-10 are pseudo-lesbian

-1 is pseudo-lesbian and also involves costumes

-8 include Evan

-3 include Claire’s ugly bat

-1 includes a fake mustache glued to claire’s arm

-4 are not of us at all

-5 are taken in a mirror because we couldn’t be bothered to have anyone else take them

-8 involve laptops

-3 are photos of photos (META!)

-2 are before we were friends

…And one involves me pouring pretend espresso foam down Claire’s dress.

Also, there’s this conversation:

*PRIZE TO THE PERSON WHO FINDS THE GHOST PHOTO!!!!!  Disclaimer: Prize may or may not be worth it.

I think George Harrison is my favorite Beatle.  Even though he’s the “quiet one” and I’m not.

Me:  I was planning on it, why?

Co-worker: Gigantic smurf in the middle!  You will be able to shoot around it.

Me:  wtf.  This isn’t going to help my story on obesity rates in America…

Ugh.

Hi Molly,

I am not responding directly to your request, unfortunately I do not know anyone in this area. But I would love the opportunity to present to you an amazing story on a novel medical device in the diabetes area that will help millions better manage their glucose.

I believe you will find this to be very interesting.

Thank you for the consideration and I look forward to hearing back from you so we can discuss.

Best,

Napoleon*

REALLY?  I mean, what did he think was going to happen?

OOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!! “Hi Napoleon!  It’s Molly.  Can you talk?? OMG  I can’t wait to hear more about this glucose-managing-device.  It sounds AWE-SOME.  It saves time, but maybe even lives!   Speaking of timing, yours is PERFECT.  As you know, I’m working on this lame Harry Potter story for tomorrow but…I think maybe I’ll switch topics! Can we meet for lunch?  Can I have one??  I mean, I’m not diabetic but… I just can’t stop thinking about this thing!!!  I’m sure it’s just as magical and wonderful as a fantasy world full of beautiful teenagers who can fly.   Thank you so much for ignoring my request and leading me to what will surely be the best. segment. ever.  I owe it all to you.”

*Name has been changed to hide identity.  His real name was Joe.

Molly:  hi.  do you have anyone at your institution who could explain what the difference between a reindeer and an antelope is?

Evan:  hmm.

Molly:  and who would win in a fight?  is there like a zoologist?

Evan:  What story could you possibly be writing where this information is relevant?

Molly:  oh, um, it’s for the blog

Evan:  ha.  well, are they fighting on neutral ground?

Molly:  yes, Switzerland.

Evan:  Switzerland still gives a major advantage to the reindeer.

Molly:  what if it’s indoors?  In like, an ikea or something?

Evan:  I could look this up, but i’m guessing the reindeer outweighs the antelope by a considerable amount.

Molly:  But antelope rhymes with cantaloupe.  They also have pointy horns instead of retarded twirly ones.

Evan:  wow, I did not know this, but there is a huge variation of antelope species.  So like, a bull reindeer might weigh 500 pounds.  But depending on the species, an antelope could weigh anywhere from 15 to 2,000 pounds.

Molly:  ok let’s say my antelope is 2,000 pounds.  And claire’s reindeer cake pop weighs about 5 ounces.  The antelope would definitely win right?

Evan:  Yeah.  You win.  BRB.

**********
SIDE CONVERSATION:
Molly: I just tricked Evan into a Fridays with Evan*
Claire:  yesssssss.
**********

Molly:  Did you leave to find a zoologist?

Evan:  To settle your dispute over a piece of candy?

Molly:   Noooo, that was just a side fight.  Let’s say the antelope and the reindeer are both the same size. Poundage-wise.

(20 minutes of silence)

Molly:  are you still deliberating?

(30 minutes of silence)

Molly:  at this point I could have gone out and bought them and just tested it myself.

Evan:  That’s really the only way you’re going to get good data here.  I was originally going to say reindeer, but after seeing these Elands, I think I will give the nod to antelope.  THOUGH I’m sure the reindeer has a thicker hide.

Molly:  Because Mrs. Claus feeds it so much?

(silence)

Molly: Caribou are ghey.  They would definitely lose.

(silence)

Molly: How much do you think a reindeer costs?

(silence)

Molly:  OMG!  baby reindeer!  http://www.reindeergames-wi.com/Reindeer%20sales.htm

(silence)

**********
NEW CONVERSATION:
Molly:  Do you want to get me a baby reindeer for my birthday instead of learning how to make reindeer cake pops?
Claire:  …no
Molly:  I bet we would get better Christmas presents
Claire:  that’s a very good point.  And we would save money on cab fare because we’d be in a sleigh.
**********

*Fridays With Evan noun, slang. Fridays With Evan is the title of a blog series that began on March 27, 2009.  The series was an attempt by bloggers Molly and Claire to add intellectual credibility to an otherwise farcical website that mainly consisted of lists, g-chats, obscure references to WB sitcoms, and poorly photo-shopped photographs.  Their attempt failed, and Evan moved to Philadelphia.