Either/Or With Marc: THE STAR TREK EDITION

Claire is out of town so we are going to blog about Star Trek.  Why? Because now that J.J. Abrams made a Star Trek movie people actually want to see, Marc and I don’t have to hide in the basement with Spock ears on setting our fake phasers to stun.  In other words, Trekkies are the new black (Sorry, Drew).  Just be glad we didn’t write this blog in Klingon–because we SO wanted to.  And hey, for all you non-trekkies:  don’t think of this as a Star Trek post.  Think of it as an action post.  Full impulse power, Marc, let’s see what you got…

Who would you rather fight:  Christopher Lloyd’s Commander Kruge or his Doc Brown?

Marc: The first things you have to consider here are the accessories. Kruge is going to point a Bird of Prey at your face and beam some rugged-looking Klingon Warriors over to rough you up. Doc Brown has a time traveling DeLorean and a short high school kid who can play guitar and skate really well. On the surface you’d probably rather fight an old man and a kid versus a Klingon with three times your strength, right? Wrong. Doc Brown would be impossible to defeat. He could easily travel through time to find out how he’s beaten, then use that against you. Plus, consider that Kruge lost almost his entire crew, had his ship stolen by a group of septegenarians and was disposed of with a simple kick to the face.  Color me unimpressed. I’d rather fight that buffoon than a genius scientist who can predict my every move.

What would you rather do: warp factor 5 or Seven of Nine?

Seven of Nine

Marc: Seven of Nine. The thing about warp speed is that it looks really cool from outside the ship and all that, lots of lights and colors and neat flashes. When you’re inside the ship though, what’s going on? Nothing. You’re just moving really fast. BORING. Going to far away planets might be fun, but I’m not an explorer. I’m a guy, and Seven of Nine is a total babe. Have you seen her in that skintight number? Wowza. It’s possible she’s a cold fish in the sack, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Captain Kirk vs. Captain Picard

Marc: Hair vs. Baldness. Shooting vs. Talking. Reckless vs. Cautious. Beer vs. Tea. This could go on forever. I like Picard, I really do. He has a better uniform, a way better ship and makes for a quality diplomat/statesmen. Kirk though, this guy is a rogue, a dashing swashbuckler. His life is about alien women, phasers to kill and witty repartee with Bones and Spock. I’m taking this fun loving rapscallion over the stodgy Frenchman with a British accent.

Klingons vs. Romulans

Marc: Romulans are arrogant, untrustworthy, sneaky little SOBs. They’re sort of the Snidely Whiplash of Star Trek antagonists. And like Mr. Whiplash, their evil schemes are typically foiled by the kind-hearted Federation, quite easily I might add. Klingons on the other hand, these guys are no joke. They’re bigger, stronger, angrier and generally cause way more trouble than our wanna-be-Vulcans. Their battle cry is “It is a good day to die” for goodness sake. I don’t want to mess with someone who has a deathwish bred into them. You can always count on them trying to blast you to pieces and generally being very belligerent. Friend or foe, you know what they’re about and I’m always a fan of consistency.

Not having emotions vs. not having shield power

Marc: I don’t really see any positives to a lack of shield power. You’re subject to immediate destruction, boarding parties and whatever space entity is the flavor of the week. No good. No emotions has a few negatives, most notably that your birthday would be exceptionally lame and sports would essentially be worthless. Getting rid of anger, depression, sadness, disgust, heartbreak and so forth though, this is awesome. Having no fear, that’s basically a superpower of its own. I’ll go be serene with Spock while everyone else gets blown to pieces.
(Molly’s note:  without emotions, you cannot love.)

Live long vs. Prosper

Marc: Prosper. Living long sounds great now, but try and tell me it’s so great when you’re old, destitute, rampant with disease and all your friends are dead. What fun! Not to mention your long life was boring and empty because you weren’t prospering. I’d rather live a rich, exciting life and die young in a tragic blimp accident over the Rose Bowl on New Year’s Day.

Beaming vs. the Holodeck

Marc: This is a no contest. I have long said that teleportation, or apparating if you will, would be my first pick of superpowers. That’s essentially what beaming is. The problem, though, is twofold. One, you’re limited to where and how far you can be transported. Two, your molecular structure is deconstructed, then put back together in its new location. This is not a pleasant concept to me, and Star Trek is littered with various transporter mishaps that frequently end poorly. The holodeck though, what is bad about this? We’re talking about a place where you can do whatever you want, with no consequences. I can solve a Sherlock Holmes mystery, hang out in 1960s Vegas, play Robin Hood, talk to famous historical figures and any number of way more exciting things that aren’t found in Star Trek episodes. Give me that imagination land.
(Molly’s note:  But if we had the technology to transport, I could beam you into REAL Vegas.  Right in the middle of the Bellagio’s vault.)

Vulcan mind-meld vs. Vulcan nerve pinch

Marc: The mind-meld has always looked enticing. You can find out what someone is thinking, feel their innermost emotions and share their life experiences. (Molly’s note: So it’s like Facebook?) That’s really cool and all, but the nerve pinch gives you an automatic win in any argument for the rest of your life. It would also double as a handy parlor trick or conversation starter at your next cocktail party.  Nerve pinch it is.

Assimilation vs. Exile in an escape pod

Marc: Ugh. Exile, I guess. At least with exile you’re still alive. You can sing songs, let yourself go and sit around naked all day, if you so please. Assimilation?  You’re not even a person anymore. Sure, you get some fancy gadgets for your arms and eyes, and you’re really strong, but your mind is gone. You’re reduced to an really ugly drone in a silly outfit. What’s the point of having neat toys and conquering entire worlds if you don’t even really know what’s happening? I guess I’ll just cruise around space and enjoy myself as long as I can.

Watching someone destroy your planet or Khan putting a bug in your ear?

Marc: Those bugs are really disgusting, and seemingly pretty painful. I have a hard time condemning the entire world to death and destruction because I can’t take a little pain. Plus, as long you do what you’re asked the bug will just chill on your cerebral cortex. That’s not so bad, right? Right?

Last Question: How do you feel?

Marc: My throat is a little soar, but otherwise AWESOME.

Someone PLEASE buy me this shirt.

Tags: swashbuckler, delorian, scifi, nerds, cold fish, rapscallion, parlor tricks, Chris Pine, molecular mishaps